I am cranky. C-r-a-n-k-y. Well, really more frustrated because I’m not an aunt again yet. So, that makes me cranky. As a result, you get to hear about my serious dislike of soy milk. Not all soy milk, mind you- some of the organic versions really aren’t that bad. But the brand Silk, the one I have 2 ½ gallons of in my fridge, is nasty. You might ask why I would buy something I so obviously abhor. Well, two reasons: 1. I always forget how nasty it is and 2. I had a coupon- well, 2 coupons. So, I have this crap, and now I have to drink it because I promised myself that the day that I didn’t use something that I bought because I had a coupon was the day that I threw my coupon binder in the trash.
I’m not one of those crazy women who buy 54 bottles of mustard , even though their family doesn’t eat mustard, or like that one lady who bought 14 boxes of cereal that her son didn’t like but told him that he had to eat it because she had a coupon. Yes, I have a binder. Yes, I may be slightly addicted to couponing (seriously, you can’t beat the rush of saving 70+% when Marsh has triple coupons!) but I will not buy something that I won’t use. Because my binder is beautiful and I put waaaay too much time into it to toss it. So, I have to drink that sh%t.
As I said earlier, some soy milks are marginally acceptable. It does seem that the organic brands don’t have the sliminess and aftertaste that Silk seems to have. And I will admit that the chocolate versions are pretty tasty. Personally, I like rice milk the best. It is thin in texture compared to soy milk, but it doesn’t have any sort of aftertaste that you have to mask. I can make gravy with it and it tastes like gravy. And it is also suitable for cookie dunking. The oreo clones from Kinnikinnick dunk into an ice-cold glass of rice milk rather well.
The biggest thing that rice milk (and soy milk) has against them is that they aren’t really milk. My grandpa once asked me how you milk a soy bean. The answer? Very carefully. Cow’s milk has an almost velvety texture that you don’t really realize you like until it is out of reach. In search of that texture I have tried several different types of milk alternatives. Almond milk has a better texture, but a funky taste and coconut milk is just disgusting all-around. For kicks, I even tried hemp milk- fitting, I know! I took it on a camping trip to make The Ranger try it, too. That was the camping trip when a VW minibus parked in the campsite next to us. I was pretty sure that my people had come for me. Hemp milk and a VW bus- coincidence? I think not…
I know that I am not alone in my struggle to find a suitable milk substitute. There are lots of people that are lactose intolerant or allergic to milk. In fact, many celiacs are unable to digest milk for a good while after their diagnosis because the disease destroys the villi in the intestine. It just so happens that the part of the villi that digests and absorbs milk is on the very top, so it is the first to go. However, once the disease is diagnosed and a proper diet is followed, the villi heal and most celiacs are then able to have milk. Unfortunately for me, my issue is an allergy. I will never grow out of it or fix the issue- I can’t even do goat or sheep milk. (Hey, when you are desperate, you are desperate!)
So, I get cranky. Then I deal. I either eat my GF cookies with rice milk, or my new favorite way, with coffee and it works just fine. So, I’ll survive without the nice cold glass of milk that I’ve been craving for a year and a half. But I’d be a LOT happier about it if I was holding a baby… J